First and foremost, happy belated thanksgiving. I hope all of them were blessed and filled with more memories to remininse about.
Now, I was talking to a friend of mine about another mutual friend our ours right and we got into a very interesting conversation. My friend Dave was talking to me about my friend and her current situation. Dave in a serious Christian (and for those wondering, I am a Christian as well but I have some issues with the institutions of Church but we will talk bout that at another time) and he is really concerned about her. And with good reason. She is 22 years old an bout to have her second child when her first one is not even a year old. To make matters worse, at this time she seems to lack direction and motivation to get her life together even though she knows she has to do better for her children. And to make matters even worse, her child's father is not worth two shits at all.
Dave was proceeding to tell me how I need to help her and not give up on her. How I needed to keep her motivated and keep her focused. Okay folks, let me tell you guys something about my relationship with the friend in question. Before she even got pregnant the first time and got with this dead beat I had told her to use protection with the tag team (the tag team being birth control and condoms) and she ignored me and behold, she was pregnant. I was like, okay, its only one baby so lets help you get together. She didn't drive so I was helping her get her license, she wanted a new job so I helped her fill out applications, she wanted to get promoted at our job in case the new job didn't come through and since I am a manager I started putting in good words, she wanted to go shopping, get her hair and nails done, I took her, she wanted to keep living with the dead beat in question and was about to quit our job not giving a shit that she still had a child to take care of so for a whole summer I went out of my way to get her to work everyday on time. With all that said, Dave wanted to know why I didn't want to take on that responsibility again and it was during that process that I had a revelation.
I took such a big interest in her because I was worried for my God niece as well as for her own situation. I thought, what if she wanted to leave him but she couldn't because she wouldn't have a job. I just took on too much in a situation that had absolutely nothing to do with me. I wasn't pregnant. I was not that irresponsible to bring a child into the world without a plan or, in her case, her only plan being that her child's father would take care of her and that baby. You would think that she had seen enough Maury shows to know that the man is only obligated to love and take care of the baby not her forever. And just in case I did think that the first time around, when I found out the truth, I would not be silly enough to get put into the same situation a second time which she did. Only this time, its a little different for her.
Instead of people being excited about the baby, they are looking at her like she is irresponsible and even in some cases stupid for having another child so soon. (Pretty much what I thought the first time but anyway...) They don't think its cute and in her own way she has retreated into a semi- depression. It was one thing when everyone was with her but now that she experiencing ridicule she is thinking harder about her choices. Its very hard to watch but it had to be done.
I don't really have a point to all of this except that it is important to know your own limitations as a person and when helping a friend becomes enabling a friend. I fell victim to it because I love her and I only wanted what was best but I ended up having to tell Dave that if she doesn't want the best for herself it doesn't matter what I want. I also had to cut her off a little to make sure that her issues did not filter into my own life. I think I involved myself in it so much that people at work were asking me what she was going do and how I felt about it like what I felt really mattered. I never really understood the concept of tough love until now. Tough love being, watching your loved ones make their own mistakes and doing nothing until they realize what the mistake was and fixing it, if they can, by themselves.
Man, is anybody feeling me out there?
1 comment:
I know how your feeling. And your friend is never going to leave her man. She's one of those cases, even though you love someone you can't be with them, but you can still care.
My cousin is pregnant at age 17. I believe I stated this before. And my aunt has been taking care of her because well she's her mother. But her boyfriend is 19, doesn't have a job, and cares that she's pregnant with a child, but neither one of them have a job. She as well was going to get her lisence, but with the baby on the way, everything was decided that it was a bad idea. My aunt is a nurturing women. But what scares me is that I think my cousin is going to get too into her mother caring for her, by the time she realizes the time, her life will have gone by, if not before then, my aunt kicking her out and being to harsh (aunt-bipolar). I'm scared for her, and through the years, I use to try and act as an older sister for her because her sisters weren't there for her. And at this point I myself feel like a failure, yet I'm so scared for her.
I totally feel you on this, and I wish you luck with every obstacle thats comes between you and your friend.
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